not a dog person

If you know me, it comes as no surprise that I am not a dog person. But I am a "my kids" person, and my kids have desperately wanted a dog. For a long time. We've talked about it off and on for a number of months now. Usually the conversation has gone like this:

Me: Maybe we should get a dog.

Greg: No way! No, no, no, no, no! No way!

Me: You're right.

Then a couple of weeks ago, in a moment of supreme weakness, it went like this:

Greg: Maybe we should get a dog.

Me: Really?

Greg: I'm just thinking about it. Just thinking!

Me: OK.

Then last week we did a field trip to the Dumb Friends League to let the kids see the animals and to do a little on the sly research. We came home as dog owners.

But we seem to have gotten the sweetest, calmest, most obliging dog ever. And the kids are so dang happy. Whew!

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they call this fun?

There is a dog in our house. It got here about 21 hours ago. And it belongs to us. So far, I'm finding it's arrival harder than any of the arrivals of our four kids. I want to start grabbing dog owners at the park and telling them, "If you managed this, you can definitely adopt!"

I'm not sure how often I'll post in the coming days. I may be a bit preoccupied - hopefully effectively training this dog and not gaining another 12 pounds!

* his name is Buddy, he's about a year old, we got him at our local animal shelter, and they say he's a Shetland Sheepdog (Shelty) mix....and he's actually a very good dog - I just have no clue what I'm doing. His most attractive feature is that he slept through the night last night.

control

Many of our days are punctuated with control struggles. It happens more when the schedule is disrupted in some way. Greg has been home this week on vacation and, while Avi is doing really well, it's still out of the norm and that still triggers something inside that causes some acting out.

And so tonight we hit on an oldie and a goodie (though to really be an oldie and a goodie, it would have had to go away at some point and it never has).

Brownies. Avi does not like brownies. Won't eat them. But he simply cannot bear if others have brownies and I don't give him one - even if I give him something in it's place that he does like. He will whine and pout and dramatize up a storm trying to convince me that he does like brownies now. He will let himself be truly unhappy and miserable because I won't give him a brownie. And if he somehow convinces me (which does not happen any more) that maybe he does indeed like brownies now, he will then lick it or do some other thing that makes it completely unappetizing to anyone else who might decide they want it - then he refuses to eat it. Because he doesn't like it.

I felt so justified when I read this week in an adoption attachment book about kids who ask for food that they don't like. It's wacky behavior. Makes no sense. Happens over and over. Makes me nuts.

But I breathed a sigh of relief tonight when we had friends over and I served brownies and ice cream. I gave Avi ice cream (which he also doesn't prefer but will eat in small amounts if there is nothing else available for a treat). He came over and asked me for a brownie. And I mentally kicked myself for making brownies. And I said "No. You don't like them."

I waited for the pouting, whining onslaught.

Instead, all I got was, "Oh. I forgot."

Thank you Jesus!

home again, home again

Jaso is discharged! The x-ray and swallow study looked good and it seems it was a micro-perf so she is good to go home and heal up on her own! Hooray!

morning update

It's not even 9am and we're on movie number two (started the morning with Camp Rock and are now on to Bee Movie). Just waiting for transport to take us down to radiology for the chest x-ray and swallow study. I'm pretty optimistic as Jaso doesn't have a fever (which would indicate infection in the chest cavity) and isn't in pain (which would indiciate accumulation of air in the chest cavity). She had a perforation before - 27 months ago - and recovery then was smooth.

Of course, I'm eager to get going and see the results of the x-ray and study this morning - when you read about esophageal perforations, the risks are pretty significant. Studies I've read show the mortality rate to be 10% to 40%. Hard to believe since we could actually be going home late today or tomorrow. But we caught Jaso's right away which means the risk of sepsis is minimal because she started IV antibiotics quickly and was already NPO (nothing to eat or drink) which minimizes the risk of accumulation of foreign "stuff" in the chest cavity.

She was shaking in post-op yesterday as she was coming out from the anesthesia which she's never done before. The nurse said it sometimes happens with anesthesia, and I said "But this is her 37th time - she's never done this before." And when they did the first chest x-ray in there (which is regular procedure for her after a dilation for just this reason), she was screaming, spitting, hitting, and crying, saying she couldn't breathe. I thought she was just mad - her mood is really unpredictable in post-op. So thankful we have such an amazing hospital - I'm amazed over and over at how resourced we are here - and reminded, as I was last time, that this would have been disastrous in Liberia.

and another one

I have been so encouraged by all of these amazing posts I've read recently about adoption and have been able to share here. There is some deep wisdom out there among these moms. Here's another...

room 633

Things must have been going a bit too well. Jaso had a perforation in her esophagus during her dilation which allows air into the chest cavity which can be dangerous. So we're admitted for now. She isn't in pain which is a good sign. We'll have a follow-up chest x-ray and swallow study tomorrow morning and should know more then....

37

Today is dilation number 37, and they say we're being fast-tracked which means we're getting into the operating room before our scheduled time which has never happened before (in fact, we're often a couple of hours later than our scheduled time which makes for some miserable waits in the admit room).

Jaso is in good spirits. Today was her first tears in six weeks over her swallowing! It has been such a joy! Praying that Mitomycin C is available today!!!

* note: the Mitomycin C is in!

** another note: another rude staff person! our nurse practitioner in admit was running through the typical admit questions (lots of medical history stuff which I repeat over and over and over) but she threw in several personal adoption questions in the midst of them as though they were part of the admit procedure. Seriously. Like "does she have any contact with her birth family?" Um. The child sitting next to you does speak English, and we'd appreciate it if you not casually ask deeply personal questions when you have a list of prescribed questions you're supposed to be asking. I don't mind getting conversational at all with staff here - we have friendly relationships with quite a few actually. And I don't mind talking about adoption stuff - but I appreciate tact. I really, really do.

one more

Another great post today - this time on Dorothy's blog. She is parenting children with many needs - in a neighborhood much like ours (also with many needs). I'm encouraged often by her writing. This one today is timely for me.

worship

This is another beautiful post - this one by my friend, Jody.

summer birthday

Avi is six! Two years ago, we chose Avi's birthday based on guesses about his age and development, and I specifically chose a summer date so that he could have fun summer birthdays like the one he had today.

We invited two other families with little ones that we playdate with - each with four little ones for a quiet afternoon celebration. So there were three mommies (with pina coladas) and twelve kiddos (with cupcakes) in our backyard - with a kiddie pool and a sprinkler. Lots of fun all around!

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Tonight we'll have his choice for dinner (homemade mac-and-cheese) and a family movie.

I really like the "throw up. then do it." part

This is such a well-written post about adoption - so very real. Take a look.

33

Jaso made it through 33 days of swallowing! Hooray! She had trouble today, and we needed to use a tube feeding tonight at dinner. But we're so happy we made it this far. We are waiting to hear if her surgeon can fit her in next Wednesday for a dilation. Please pray with us that the Mitomycin C will be available! 5 weeks of swallowing and 6 weeks between dilations would be a very happy schedule for all involved.

it could be you

My college roomate's dear little girl, Hannah - only seven years old, is on the long road of Aplastic Anemia and may be facing a bone marrow transplant. I had planned to join the bone marrow donor registry this summer and just saw on my friend's blog today that they have funding to add new potential donors for free until June 22. Go here and sign up today - it really takes just a few minutes online (then they send you a kit to do a cheek swab) and it increases the chance for so many who are waiting.

port

Port flush today in about an hour and someone is really not happy about it. But we are officially at four weeks of swallowing!!!

today

We had a pretty even day, although it did start with an immediate rest time. After we got that out of the way, it was pretty smooth sailing. Thankful me.

I've also found that walking around our lake is a great de-stressor for me....which probably explains why I logged 12 miles between yesterday and today. I might even need new sneakers soon (for the first time in well over five years).

I dreamt last night that Jaso stopped swallowing. Today is day 25 since a dilation - the longest she's been able to swallow normally in a year. I'm trying to keep my hopes in check - because we did use Mitomycin C before and had good results the first time and so-so results the next two times. But this surgeon does apply it differently so I keep getting these glimmers of hope that perhaps this will be the thing that will lengthen these intervals to a place where we will choose ongoing dilations over surgery. I prayed for exactly that this morning. I realized I've been hesitant to ever pray anything too "bold" for Jaso's healing, but I'm getting bolder.

She has to go in to the infusion center to have her port flushed on Wednesday - mediports are supposed to be flushed and heparin-locked every 28 days and, til now, she has been in at least that frequently for dilations since her port was placed, so they have always done it while she's under anesthesia. But since she isn't needing a dilation yet, we have to go in for a flush while she's awake. Praying it goes well - she hasn't been "stuck" while she's been awake for anything in a very long time - all pokes are generally after she's been put to sleep with the mask. We've got our numbing cream and the promise of Sonic afterward.

Other than that, life is rolling along well. Greg started his new job last week and is in the middle of a long weekend (hoping for lots of those this summer). The kids start up their rec center summer sports this week (swimming for all four - two in lessons and two on swim team, baseball for Noah, junior golf for Mia and Noah). And lots more bike rides and walks around the lake.

better

Just a quick note to say we pulled out of this afternoon's spiral pretty well. Thanks for the encouraging comments! Avi rested, and I had a great conversation with my brother-in-law who had some great insights and encouragement - very timely. And some very practical ideas I'll be using this next week as needed (think carrying heavy things across the back yard - burning energy and working for mom).

Avi and I reconnected after his rest time - and he wanted to reconnect. And I did too. Sometimes it's like something getting stuck in a gear. It just grinds and grinds and grinds. We (mostly he and I) just get more and more off kilter with each other. And we have to find our way back. And sometimes it's messy. It used to happen a lot more often. It's not pleasant, but I am pleased that he feels safe enough to come back to a settled place. Somehow he is able to shake off all that self-pity and entitlement and just get back to being settled again for a while.

Anyway, he and I then headed off to the park together so he could ride his bike around the lake a few times. Then a good evening with friends at small group - he managed beautifully. And we ended the night with he and I bouncing on their trampoline together.

Whew. I think we're finding our stride. At least our stride for now. Forward, back, forward, back. And God keeps being so good to us.

how does this work again?

We've had regression brewing around here for about five days and today it's coming out in full force. Hitting, stepping on, and wiping spit on Jaso when I'm not looking. Getting in trouble for those things and then complaining that it's her fault that he got in trouble. Hitting me (first time in a LONG time). Convinced the world is against him and he is a victim (when he is creating chaos around himself and driving people away). Letting himself get deeper and deeper in his self-pity with every thing that doesn't go his way or bring him immediate gratification (dropping Mia off at a birthday party today sparked the latest string of events). Refusing to enjoy the good things that come his way for more than the tiny moment that they're gratifying.

He's in bed resting now to get strong. I'm needing to get strong myself here and gear up for what's ahead. Hoping it's one of our four-day patterns and not nearly a month to make up for the pleasant month we've just had!

Now if I could just remember what it is I'm supposed to do next....

the one who made us think we could do it again

they did it!

They both made it around the lake on their bikes today! Well, all four did actually. Hooray!

what would you do?

I've been researching some speech therapy options for Jaso. We love her speech therapist but we just used the last session covered by our insurance. So we need to go private pay now, which means that we will be getting 1/2 the time each month for twice the amount we were paying in co-pays before. I've been trying to find some supplemental things we can do at home and have found some good resources, but the materials cost about the same as two to three months of speech therapy. I'm contemplating skipping speech therapy this summer in order to buy the items and then having those throughout this school year to use in addition to her speech therapy.

I know there are other mommies out there who are further ahead on the speech therapy road than we are. What do you think? Does my plan sound like a good one? I know some families take therapy "time off" anyway, and summer seems like a good time to do it overall. But I'd love to hear from people who have taken time off and people who have found good home resources as well.....you can comment here or email me at gjisaac at gmail dot com.

Thanks!

oh happy day

The littles can ride their bikes without training wheels! We ventured off to the park this afternoon with our hopes in check but were thrilled to watch them both figure it out! This means that I can take my morning walks around our neighborhood lake while the kids ride ahead on their bikes - all FOUR of them (making it a quiet time for mom walk). I love seeing what new stages we reach each year as they grow. They were pretty dang cute.

Noah was so sweet cheering them on - very big brotherly (Mia was at a movie with a friend).

things i like about today, part 2

Jaso is on day 17 since a dilation and still not closed down! Go Mytomycin C! Even though we didn't see great results from the MC last year, this doctor applies it in a different way so I'm hoping that will have some impact. This is the longest I can remember going on a normal stretch in a long, long time. I keep meaning to go back and look at my records to see just how long it's been. It is so nice to simply prepare food and see her eat it. It's so nice to not see her mood deflate as her swallowing deteriorates. It's so nice to not carry a feeding tube around everywhere just in case. And it's so nice to go such a long stretch of time without having to make all of the arrangements for the hospital!

Also, another mom of a caustic ingestion child came across a treatment idea that I passed on to our surgeon. It's called electroincision and involves making incisions internally around the strictures but doing it all through an endoscope (so no body incisions). The surgeon wasn't super hopeful that it would be successful for Jaso, but in my mind it's one more thing we can try before major surgery and that makes me very happy.

In other news, Greg is now the Assistant Principal at Kunsmiller Creative Arts Academy (http://kunsmiller.org/ - a new arts school in our disadvantaged part of the city - very exciting stuff!) and yesterday was his last day as a 4th grade teacher (at least this time around!). He officially starts his new role full-time next Tuesday.

We had our annual last-day-of-school ice cream yesterday. Even though we kind of stopped doing school about two weeks ago.

Our 6-year-old neighbor just asked Noah "Why don't you have a digital TV yet?" And I piped in "Because this one will be a collector's item one day!" And the little neighbor nodded solemnly and said "Yeah."

things i like about today

The grass is uber-green from all the rain we've gotten. And you know how happy rain makes me. Mia and Noah laid in said grass, talking and looking for cloud shapes together. Making me feel so happy about this homeschool year and the opportunity to see sibling relationships grow.

Avi toned down his camera-ready smile to a version of his real smile (and had another great day).

Jaso is just a pumpkin - nearly all the time.

Jody sent me cupcakes! I don't want to embarrass her or anything but seriously - does it get better than coming home to a box of cupcakes on your front porch? I love Jody!

battling for the broken heart

I'm reading over here at this blog tonight - a Liberian adoptive mom moving through attachment parenting - on much the same timeline that we have been. I really like this post of hers and this one. Actually, if you just click the "attachment" label on the side of the blog, every post is so good. You could replace her daughter's name with Avi's, and I could have written them all. The experience is just so similar. She nails so much on the head.

I am hopeful that we have peeled back a layer and are working down at a deeper level now. We continue to have good days. We have had several bumps in the last couple of days. New attempts on Avi's part to regain control. More lying. More pouting. More angry eyes. But they haven't overtaken the day yet. We've been able to pull out of it.

One thing I love that this mom says. RAD (reactive attachment disorder) isn't a disorder - something internally wrong with a child. It's a reaction - a natural and expected reaction to what life has dumped on a child. Wouldn't we all want to do everything we could to test this love? Make sure it can handle you and not leave you broken again?

finally!

Avi is very much aware of all the things that the other kids have experienced that he hasn't experienced yet as the youngest. And he doesn't like waiting much. But today he finally got to cross a biggie off the list!

He lost his first tooth - he actually really lost it because it seems it fell out while we were walking around the lake today, and we don't know where it is. So we wrote a note to the tooth fairy to explain (he insists he's seen her and she's about the size of a Barbie).....
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So here he is - down one tooth with another soon to follow!

the good life

It's funny when the stuff you're hesitant to post on your blog is the good stuff! I end up thinking I'll have to post a retraction in a day or two.....but......

We've had about eleven days in a row (so far) of normal life! Avi is doing so well! I'm doing so well! We've had our moments here and there - but they have been in the realm of normal moments. Only a few blips here and there (like a major under-reaction to a very nasty head bump the other day and then not letting me really take care of him afterward). Yesterday, he even scooted up next to me in the booth at a restaurant to sit close for a moment before running off to play. He is playing so well with the other kids (he and Noah are playing cars and legos for hours on end together - a major development for both of them!). He lets me touch him without saying "ouch!" and isn't constantly glaring at me. I can't tell you HOW good that feels. It's hard to explain how those things affect you emotionally even though you know on an intellectual level why they are happening. It's still grueling to be rejected day in and day out - even when the person doing the rejecting is tiny and hurt.

Who knows where we'll be eleven days from now, but this is definitely the longest stretch of good days that I can remember in a long time. And it gives me so much hope!

We also began our kid date nights on Friday with Mia. Each kid gets to go out with mom and dad on their own. We've never done this before (we do often take individual kids with us places, but rarely as a couple). She chose Johnny Carino's for dinner (and got to order dessert which is a rare treat). We then went to get her new bike - everyone has been moving up a step in bikes and hers was in great condition and ready for Jaso to move into, so instead of waiting til a birthday we decided to start summer with a new bike. It was a great evening, and Noah is already looking forward to his! I had been thinking one kid date each month but I think they'll need it more often than three times a year each, so I'm leaning toward every two weeks. It adds a bit of expense to the budget (which is already running a little tight with therapies, medical stuff, etc.) but it nearly counts as an individual date when there's only one child there - so it's double the bang for the buck!

updates

Therapy - it was good meeting alone with our therapist. I felt affirmed in some of the things we've been noticing and trying with Avi. She's so pragmatic and it's a relief to just lay it all out there someplace. A couple of commenters asked for some tips from the session. I don't know that I really have any. It's all so individual, you know? And some days I think I've found things that are working for us. And other days I'm totally confused and off track.

We also had clinic this week - Avi's numbers are good (he had a blip in his viral load a couple of months ago but it's back down which we're happy to see as it means he can continue to stay on his current meds). We got a bit of feedback there from the staff neuro-psychologist after some assessments she did with Avi. More food for thought. More research to do. More adjusting the whole paradigm of parenting for this little guy who has simply been through too much. But we've had a stretch of several good days this week, so I'm thankful for that. Though the more we try to accomplish outside of our at home schedule, the more off track we tend to get.

Sleep study - we won't know anything for 1-2 weeks. Jaso did great. She is such a pro at all this stuff. I can say that I came home far more exhausted than I have after typical hospital stays. Not sure why. I think it is probably simply that May is a really busy month in our family and it's been a bit compounded this year with Greg's responsibilities spanning two schools. He has been stretched thin, and we've had so many medical and therapy appointments lately on top of the normal crazy May schedule. I crashed this afternoon for about a two hour nap. I rarely let myself nap because my body just wants to stretch every sleeping opportunity out to 9 hours or so. But it was inevitable today.

Dilation - Today is day 8 since a dilation, and we generally start to notice deterioration around day 9. Hoping that doesn't happen and we see some results from the MC application!

That's about it I think. Starting to think about the summer schedule. All of the kids will be in rec center activities: all in swimming, Noah in baseball, Mia and Noah in junior golf. I am hoping Greg can manage one at-home morning each week so I can get out to coffee with a friend or two. I tried to meet with a friend today at McD while all the kids played and I came away......well, let's just call it "not relaxed." I definitely need to find a few little pockets of time to get through the summer in one piece.

Hmmmm. This has quite the negative tone when I re-read. Why do I post when I'm this tired?

PS - If I've generated any pity, feel free to send me cake. :)

sleep

Sleep study for Jaso tonight. Hoping sleep happens for me there - migraines two days in a row make me nervous to not sleep. I tried to trick Greg into going, but he has year-end grades due by midnight and will be working late at the dining room table. This will take us to the end of a marathon of appointments in the last seven days. I think chocolate chip cookies are in order.

advanced level

I was going to call this post "Parenting 101" because I get to meet with Avi's therapist tomorrow all by myself. For a coaching session! A "how to parent that little guy" lesson. Then I realized this is not Parenting 101. This is an Advanced Parenting graduate level class! I'm really looking forward to the session. Avi is doing really well. I feel like I've got some tools and techniques under my belt that are working for us (and helping me not to feel totally lost all the time). And his good days are outnumbering his bad ones. I think mine are too. All good. Good, good, good!

ouch

So we got the N word today. Out of nowhere - in our neighborhood, from a couple of kids. And that sweet little pumpkin doesn't even know what came at her today. She just came home tickled that Dad had bought her a treat.

It was kids she'll probably share a school with next year.

Ouch.

hazy

Sleeping off that blissful morphine haze again (her, not me - don't I wish!). We've got her post-op meds just right lately so she doesn't wake up in pain which is always nice. Her pulse/ox keeps dropping so when that is steady, she should be good to go. And happy news today was that the Mitomycin C (MC - the chemo med) was in stock (it's been on backorder a LONG time) so they were able to apply it. We tried it three times (over a year ago). The first time, she went without a dilation for eight weeks (the only time she's ever gone that long). The next two times weren't great. But there is a possibility that we might see improvement with repeated applications, so we're hoping it will have good results this time and be in stock again next time.

So because we want to give this a shot, surgery is off for June. We'll wait and see if we can do a couple of applications of the MC with any improvement. It's a slight bummer to postpone because timing will be difficult with a later surgery. But at the same time, we hated that we were going to have to move forward with surgery without being able to give the MC another chance and now we don't have to!

So, tomorrow will be a jammies day (the MC can result in nausea and fatigue) and then on to some lo mein!

Now to share one more "awkward" moment with a medical professional: our recovery room nurse was telling me about when she worked in ICU and a little boy came in after a lye ingestion and died. Nice. Thanks for sharing that with me while my own lye ingestion child is lying here semi-conscious between us. They should make these comments to bolder moms. I'm way too nice.

sunny tomorrow

Today is Jaso's 36th dilation. We're here in the admit room of the OR - again, things seem to be running behind schedule (a couple of times recently, we've had to wait in here 4-5 hours before she ever even gets into the operating room). She's hungry and crabby. I'm hungry and crabby. She tends to get very moody when her esophagus starts to close up and goes through about three days of heavy moodiness before she adjusts (and then we start counting the days til the next dilation). This time, her moodiness never lifted. She has been pretty cloudy for about 10 days now. Looking forward to a week or two of sunshine for her!

Next week she has a sleep study to see if we can sort out her night-time breathing situation. There are a couple of possibilities - either reflux irritating her airways or her airways could possibly be damaged by the same injury that damaged her esophagus (there is no way to know until they scope the airways and they'll decide whether to do that based on her sleep study).

Still waiting to determine whether the "big" surgery will take place next month...

he might be a little Dutch

Avi was just asking if he could pull the garden cart around the back yard. When I asked him where it was, he answered "Over by the yarden."

one more thing...

Apparently, I've got a lot to process tonight. Just remembered that Jaso's pulmonologist today asked in front of Jaso and Avi if "their parents are still alive?" We don't get this question often - since, if you hadn't noticed, it's pretty dang nosy.

I've always wanted to ask right back "Do you have any deeply traumatic experiences that we can cover during this short, casual conversation?" And "Did you notice that they're tiny children and you might want to choose conversation topics with a bit of care?"

But I'm only that bold on my blog.

what she said....

I've got to point out this amazing blog, written by the wife of someone I went to college with. They run Forever Homes (which "exists to help abused, abandoned, and, neglected children find healing, love, and, safety in permanent homes following a revolutionary plan to help the 120,000 foster kids in the United States waiting for adoption, and the countless orphans around the world, find permanency"). Together, they are parenting three children from hard places - beautifully!

the hard places

I went to a workshop at the conference by Karyn Purvis (who is amazing) called "Parenting Children from the Hard Places." It's hard to remember in the thick of things sometimes that the brokenness that shows itself in our kids is because of all that they carry inside of them from their hard places. Kids from the hard places do really ugly things sometimes. And it takes everything you've got stored up inside and the amazing grace of God to not react in complete ugliness. And it's one of those evenings around here.

"Sometimes we put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down."

- unknown

make hope

You can give a gift in someone's honor this Mother's Day while making hope for HIV+ orphans! Go here to donate - and receive this beautiful e-card to send to your recipient!

monday

It's Monday and I'm home from the Orphan Care conference. I had the amazing gift of traveling with several friends and meeting several more - staying up til the wee hours with other women who love orphans was tremendous! And the kids and Greg did so well while I was away. I was braced for the "onslaught" of regular life when I got back on Saturday, but was pleased to settle back in with lots of ease and fun.

There was so much at the conference and in the many conversations to process. I don't think I can do it here - it's all too much. I met inspiring and amazing people. I heard incredible stories. I came away knowing without a doubt that I want my life to be about God's heart for the orphan.

Yesterday, a verse jumped out at me from Isaiah about God giving "a crown of beauty instead of ashes." I would love to be a part of that story for more children - and I pray that He continues to show me ways to be a part of that.

just saw this

I just saw this for the first time today.....if Jaso doesn't pop up right away, just refresh the page til you see her. I just sent in two corrections to her story (she is seen every 3-4 weeks for dilations - not every 6-10; and she is from Liberia - not Uganda). And, yes, she really is that cheery when we're there!

time off

I came back today from two nights away in the mountains with friends - our 8th year in a row! I had a great, low-key, restful time. But I missed my family really quickly. Life is tiring and intense these days - but we're doing good work, and I missed it.

I have three nights at home now, and then I'm away again for the Christian Alliance for Orphans summit. Very much looking forward to this but a bit intimidated by the prospect of dealing for three days with the topic of orphans. It feels like too much to let in right now. My boundaries are high these days - trying to make lots of room for all that tiring and intense living! But I read a great thing on someone's blog this week about how she hopes that at the end of her life she's tired. I really like that. I'd like to end my life tired too. But I don't particularly want to be tired tomorrow morning.

That is why I'm ending this post so I'll be in bed by 10. Night-night!

blessing

Please continue to pray for Blessing - she has been out of the hospital for a while on home health care (with IV's, ports, etc. at home) - and has been unable to eat by mouth since before the surgery (over six weeks now) - and today she is back in the hospital again. The leak in her new "esophagus" still hasn't healed and she still has sepsis and is going back into surgery (her third in six weeks!) today.

I can only begin to imagine how discouraging this is - even to get to a place of moving forward with this surgery generally is at the end of a long, discouraging course of other attempts to repair the child's damaged esophagus, then the surgery itself is so complicated, and the recovery can be so difficult (as Blessing's has been), and the results at the other side are completely unknown. Pray that Blessing would come out of this surgery with a quick recovery, a short hospital stay, and a healed body!

Some of the other kiddos who've had the surgery are still requiring frequent dilations - pray that they would heal too and be able to move forward with no more dilations! And pray for one more little boy who will be having his surgery next month!

only Jesus

So, I've wondered for a while now what is going on with me. I'm not a depressive personality (I am an introvert, and to some of you wild extroverts, they may sometimes look the same!). But on the handy old "depression checklist" I've got a number of them hands-down. Messed up sleeping patterns, weight changes (trying to change them in the right direction now!), loss of interest in activities you used to like (why can't I get myself to read a stinking book that doesn't have "attachment" in the title? - though I still love my LOST), etc. So I keep thinking "what if I am depressed?" But here's the thing - I have NO feelings of hopelessness. I'm hopeful. I've certainly got my hopeless moments, but it's like it says:

"Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart...But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you..."

I honestly think that, quite simply, 2 1/2 years of chronic medical needs together with attachment stuff - and all of the constant research and decisions they both entail - has caught up with me. And in the midst of it, I want desperately to serve each of my kids - with all that they need. And I'm not enough for that. Only Jesus is.

So, I'm trying to remember that today. Only Jesus. This doesn't mean that I didn't order a big old box of fish oils, kava kava, and other miracle herbs this morning. Or that I won't be wearing the reminder bracelet I ordered last night that says: my life is not my own (you'd think the four small people would be enough of a reminder - but they can't hang on my wrist, though they try).

But hopefully, those will both help me to remember. Only Jesus.

erratic

Things are pretty erratic in the Avi department around here. We have some great periods throughout the day and some horrible ones. Spitting on me came back today - haven't seen that one since he first came home. But I got to tweak one of Christine's recent techniques with spitting. I said "Oh! Spit doesn't bother mommies at all! In fact, babies spit on their mommies all the time - they're always drooling and slobbering. We didn't get to do that when you were a baby, so it's so nice to get to do it now!"

The rocker has been highly successful so far. See? Great moments. Horrible moments.

I'm getting a bit better at keeping things fairly level for the other kids in the midst of it all. And we nearly have an official respite situation for one night a month (thank you J! you're a hero!) - the other kids already know that they'll be getting us all to themselves each month for a day of fun! And the beautiful weather helps so much too.

I've also made some decisions about how to limit and organize my time with FHTH. There are some exciting things happening, but for myself and the other staff (all moms with lots on their plates), we need to keep a realistic view of how much we can accomplish in the midst of our family lives.

Now I'm out of town for the next two weekends, which isn't going to help things much (though it WILL help ME much!). And I am putting a date on the calendar a few days after the weekends to kick things up a notch. I'm gonna need to gear up!

Noah

I love Noah so much. I fell asleep last night feeling weepy about him. He's a sensitive little guy, and I know that lots of life adjustments in the last 3 years or so have been big for him. I prayed that I'd find something to do with him today that would bring him joy. Today, on our museum visit (which was much more crowded than I'd anticipated because I'd forgotten it was a free day), he was completely on edge and high alert, worried that he might get separated from me.

I asked him as we were eating ice cream cones what he is most afraid of in the world, and he answered getting separated from me in a different country - like if we accidentally got on different airplanes. A few moments later he said, "I remember when you were in Liberia and I thought you were dead." Did you think I might not make it back? "Yes." Do you still think about that? "Yes." I started to list all of the places we had been together (from Walmart to the Eiffel Tower) where we had never gotten separated. It became kind of a funny list. Then I grabbed him in a bear hug and told him I'd like to start going out in public like that - so we wouldn't get separated. It was a sweet moment with him. And, like they do, the sad and scary moments passed, and he had fun.

I have to remind myself often that I really do believe that God will use the difficulties that come out of following Him to shape our children. That heartache can grow depth and character. That shallow lives produce shallow people. But I pray that I am always in tune with what my kids need from me. That I'm ready and attentive enough to walk with them as they walk through deep places.

labels.finally.

I've had enough of worrisome labels around here for a while. ;) So I've decided it's finally time to label-ize my blog (which may or may not be a better use of my time this morning than church would be but Greg is away this morning, and I don't think I could do Avi and church on my own without severe personal ramifications). I'm pulling myself away from label-ing, though, and we're off to the museum for an hour or two!

Now to label this post - it gets "attachment, RAD, fun" - hey I'll tag that one on the end as often as I can!

step forward, step back

Someone thought our week had gone a little too well and didn't like being cooped up in a snowstorm so we've had a little pushback the last 24 hours. Nothing too rattling - just an elevated level of defiance, a little hitting, a little tantruming. During a rage yesterday, I kept singing "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you'll never know dear how much I love you, I'll never give my sunshine away."

And the last two rages have quieted when I prayed over him - "Jesus, please help Avi with all the sad and mad inside his heart. Please help him to remember how much we love him and will always love him and how much you love him. Please fill his heart with peace and love." He stops to listen!

Also want to share one more link - this organization was founded by a guy I went to college with - he and his wife have adopted three children with RAD - she keeps a blog here - I love reading it!

the methods to my madness

I thought it might be helpful to list out some of the attachment things that we've implemented around here - I've kind of taken a "that one sounds sensible - I'll try it" approach as I've found that if you read five different books on attachment, you're likely to encounter five different philosophies. And your brain starts to sizzle. These are the things I've found helpful so far....

• Started circulating on the blogs - my favorite is Christine's and she has links to others - you can follow the trail and find all sorts of real-life experiences.
• Found a newsgroup - I tried a couple, but the one that seemed the best "fit" was attach-china.
• Found and started seeing an attachment therapist (went off the recommendation of a trusted friend).
• Realized that "RAD" isn't a scary acronym. Just learned to sit with it. I don't think we're dealing with an extreme RAD situation. But it is what it is. May as well embrace it. Started to think the term "RADish" is very cute.
• Started to understand more the significant effects of disrupted attachment and trauma on the brain. Gathered ideas of complementary therapies to try - about to start Neuro-Reorganization. Would also like to try Targeted Amino Acid Therapy but need to wait for additional funds. :)
• Honed in on some nutritional supplements (we all take these - Omega 3, melatonin, daily multivitamin - and Tension Rx for me).
• Checked out all the books I could find on RAD and attachment. Found that the two I like the most are "When Love is Not Enough" by Nancy Thomas (she is pretty stringent in her implementation, but we have gleaned quite a few ideas from her) and "Parenting the Hurt Child" by Gregory Keck. Have also heard that the Healing Trust DVD's are good - ours just arrived and I will be listening soon!
• Scheduled neuro-developmental assessment to provide insight as to whether there are other issues we're dealing with.
• Started trampoline jumps and strong sitting in the morning (though we miss some weekend mornings). There are brain chemistry reasons for both of these. Started adding in affirmations while jumping (repeat after me while you're jumping: I am strong, I am smart, my mommy loves me, my daddy loves me). Earn stickers for trampoline jumps. Earn a small candy for strong sitting. All the kids do these. Sometimes do "tapping" (ask me to show you this one if you're interested - but be ready to suspend your disbelief).
• Realized that if we start the day with compliance, things go better. Avi now knows that he is supposed to come to my room as soon as he wakes up (he is generally the first awake). He earns a sticker if he doesn't wake up any of the other kids in the process (it's so fun to be disruptive!). Some mornings go better than others. But the days we stick to this really do go better. It's as if he is waiting to see if I am going to be the same mommy I was yesterday.
• Started verbalizing a lot of truth to him. "I'm so glad you're in our family! I am going to love you forever! I'll never give you away!" We said these things before, but not nearly as often.
• Stopped spankings and time-outs altogether.
• Started giving him 10 tickets every morning. That's how many questions he gets to ask me that day. When he asks a question, I ask him if he wants to pay a ticket and he takes time to think about how much he "needs" the answer. This means he actually gets a chance to think through whether he can simply "trust" that me knowing the answer to some things is enough. His questions were non-stop before. And I understand the need for this in adopted children. But he has been home 16 months and it had moved over into "I need this control and I'm not letting it go" when the healthy thing for him is to let go of that control and learn that he can trust us to know the answers for him.
• Became very thought-out about social settings and very limited about times that Avi can be "away" from mom (he doesn't go to Sunday School anymore, we limit playing over at others' houses, he has controls on what he can do in social settings such as not being allowed to ask any grownup for something until he's asked mommy if he can ask them).
• Started limiting choices - more often simply give a direction rather than a choice. Totally antithetical from everything we've all read about parenting. But really important and effective for attachment disordered kiddos.
• Started to keep him physically close to me for most of the day - he is generally in the same room as me most of the time. Sometimes I'm exhausted and I let this slide. But I always pay in the end.
• Began trying to be really creative and intentional with every interaction.
• Finally realized that I'm not the wrong mommy for him. That he's not willful. He's hurt. He would be hurt no matter who his mommy is. He needs a mommy who will do everything she can to battle for his heart.
• Also realized that my secret thought that there was a birth order "mistake" and he should have been placed as an oldest child was foundationally wrong. All of his need to be in control of everyone isn't because he has an oldest child's disposition. It's because he's been hurt so much that he can't trust anyone else to take over the job of making sure his world is OK. And the very best place for him is in a family where he will (maybe very slowly) learn that. And the youngest child spot is probably a very good one for him. And probably the safest all around.
• Began thanking God profusely for my marriage and my strong husband who is so committed to me and to our kids and is willing to take a backseat and watch me do the hard work. That's not me being sarcastic. It's not easy to take the backseat when your five-year-old son claws his mother. It takes real strength.
• Realized the impact of stress on myself and started a few things to address it. Realized the impact of stress on the other kids and started a few things to address it.

So, we are only at the very beginning of this whole new world of information, a whole new style of parenting. But we have already seen significant change. Avi is far more settled, far more responsive to me, far more comfortable with me (even laying on my lap at grandma's house today and easily coming over to give me a hug after a day away with Jaso at the hospital). And I am far less angry, frustrated, and tired (it makes me laugh to read the signs of attachment disorder because my favorite is "parents appear angry").

Next on the list is the rocking chair - I've started talking it up and Sunday is the day!

loving the lo mein

Spicy Noodles are on the way!

therapeutic device

Here's our next step in attachment therapy (hoping to pick it up tomorrow). It remains to be seen whether I'll be able to get the correct child in there with me!